An African Elephant has been recorded to be the largest land mammal on earth. Elephants can weight in at a whooping 26,000lbs! So to understand the phrase "elephant in the room", you've got to realize what we're going for here. There is some shit that needs to be said about fatherhood; hell I'm on my second little one now, so I'll go head and say it. If you don't take care of your kids, you are a sorry ass dude; no excuses! Before I get into the real logistics though you gotta understand the setting in which most of the young brothers my age grew up in.
Proud to say that I was raised in Richmond,Virginia in the late 80's early 90's around five other young men that grew up in the same surrounding I did.One major constant is that we all grew up without our biological fathers in the household. Two households could be a coincidence, three your "pushing it", but five young men growing up without their dad in the household is a bit extreme. Believe it or not the trend didn't seem to end their. From young men to young women the result in the 90's seemed to be the same; if you were born in the 80's and raised in the 90's there is a great chance that you grew up without your biological father around. I often wonder what was it that happened around that time that allowed all these "bums" to father children then roll out as if they were jumping bail or something. I'm pretty sure that the Vietnam war was in the 60's so it safe to say that we can rule that out. I realize that there was a crack epidemic that went down in the 80's, but it isn't like a lot of these dudes are dead. Most of them are still living today.
I can vividly remember watching shows like "My brother and me" on Nickelodeon or "Family Matters" on ABC and not being able to relate to those families because the depictions weren't reflections of what our family life resembled. We were raised in a single parent household. Mom went to work everyday and we were the dreaded "latch key kids" of the 90's. Going to school all day then walking home to open the house on our own and wait for "mom dukes" to come home. No visits, very few calls, and by far the most glaring absence was no apology. After a while you "get used to" making it without a dad. Which in itself is a sad lament.
Please don't misunderstand where I'm going with this. I'm not writing my generations "sob story" about how we were left out to dry. I'm just putting the facts out there so you can feel where we're coming from. Fact of the matter is; if you were raised in a single parent home without your dad you don't even realize what you were missing until you become a father or mother yourself. Relating with T.V. shows is usually the worst that you experience growing up, as long a "moms" is working with you. Honestly, it wasn't until I actually got my first real career and spoke with some of my co-workers from different locales that I actually realized how I got shafted not growing up in a two parent household..
I figure there is no use criticizing without providing a simple set of ground rules to being a dad. As I stated earlier, I have 1 & 1/2 children now (baby girl is still in the oven) so I figure I could be semi-qualified to get a "up start" dad started on how not to be a "sorry sack".
Rule # 1: Handle the pregnancy announcement professionally
Okay, let me explain; When your wife/girlfriend/lady friend/wifey/cutt buddy says that she is pregnant please do not use any of the following phrases:
1."What you gonna do"?
2.Dang, how did this happened?
3. "I thought you were on the pill"?
4. Gasp!......(start running in the opposite directions).
There are really only two things you can say: 1. Wow! 2. Cool and or 3. Smile and nod (a.k.a just shut the f up).
Rule # 2: Don't be sorry
What? Too simple? Okay I'll specify; no matter how hard it gets, don't just leave! Taking care and raising your little one is more important and promising than anything you will probably accomplish professionally, personally, and or academically. Fact of the matter is, your going to make mistakes as a parent, but the worst thing you can do is leave. Raising a family is hard with two people. Trying to raise a kid on your own is awful. It is no where near as glamorous as a lifetime movie makes it seem. Doctor visits, late nights, no sleep, going to work, correcting bad behavior, each thing is amplified by the fact that your doing it "dolo". If you stick together you can make it. Don't make the situation worst by skipping out.
Rule # 3: Not being with your baby mama is not a blank check for mayhem
Long story short, there is no reset button on life. If you have a baby then your bound to that woman for the rest of your life; for better or worst. (and you thought that phrase was just for marriage huh?) If you can't work it out with your girl or cutt buddy it is a shame. It happens, some folks just aren't meant for each other, but that doesn't mean that if she isn't with you than you get a pass not to be their for junior. You've got to be a professional. Be there on the regular. Little ones need to know that your there.
Rule # 4: Until you learn to raise one, don't have anymore.
Yeah, I know that would seem to be pretty self explanatory, but there are a lot of dummies that do this. Nothing is more aggravating than a dad that tries to do the two family thing! You know; leave one lady and try to go start a whole entirely new family like that first one never happened. That is just plain damn awful!
I choose the phrase "elephant in the room" because outside of the subtle diss about my father being a bum, most men and woman my age have outgrown the hatred stage. No one really walks around anymore feeling angry about daddy not being there. I obviously can't say that I speak for everyone, but the only thing I'm looking for to get this elephant out of the room is an explanation. I'm too old to feel like I have dad issues. I do feel that the least that these absentee fathers can provide is an explanation as to why they could not be accounted for. One of the biggest lessons you learn as a man, is that you have to be responsible for each action and decision you make. What were you doing? Where exactly did you have to go that was more important than being with your family? How exactly do you go about living knowing that you made a little one, but aren't a part of their life? Did you see the last couple of scenes of "Lean on Me"?
It's been said that "Everything happens for a reason" and I believe that to be the case in most instances. Me and my comrades were able to make it through each one of our respective situations. All five of us were able to lead fairly productive lives. Of the five I'm the only one that has become a father so far, so we all have a long way to go. We all were able to move on to college which in itself is an accomplishment. To my knowledge none of us has still had any contact from our biological father. All the better, because it may do more harm than good. For better or worst each one of us had great male figures that stepped in to either show us the way, or show us first hand what not to do. Whether it was brothers, cousins, uncles, band directors, teachers, or co-workers; we all had some guy who thought enough of us to pull us aside and take a little bit of time to tell us what we needed to hear at that respective time. Though the elephant is still there, we are fortunate that for every chump like Danny London, there are three other men that can step in to lend a helping hand to help a young brother out. And finally, I would be terrible rude if I didn't remember my step father William Pierce who stepped in and showed me how to take pride in being a man. Rest in Peace Pop.
